One cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.

07:02 One cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore. 0 Comments

“One cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.”- Andre Gide

Life is stressful, and when you get married you may not know your partner’s history of family addictions. One of the problems that strike many marriages is when a partner becomes addicted.  It doesn’t really matter what the addiction is, because what it does to the addicted person is pretty much the same destructive pattern. It takes over the person’s thinking, and the addiction itself begins calling the shots. Prior to an addiction your spouse tries to please you, and take care of their family. After an addiction gets a hold of your spouse they change and begin trying to appease the need for their drug or vice of choice. They will lie, cheat and steal to get their fix, and you have to know that up front if you are going to love them through their addiction. You also have to know up front that every instinct inside you is going to make you want to keep it a secret. Don’t. Keeping it a secret will make it grow and take over anything you or your partner ever loved.

I work with and have a dear friend named Carla. She has been married forever and I love our chats. I respect both her and her husband for the choices and the way they have lived their marriage. I talked to Carla one day about this article telling her I needed insights on someone who has gone through it and survived. She smiled and said, “I have many.” Immediately she sent me her words and tips of wisdom. I am going to send them to you, because addictions happen, and when you are in the middle of one you often times cannot think and become a part of the addiction.   Carla’s husband was dealing with an alcohol addiction, but I think her words of wisdom will help no matter what sort of addiction you are dealing with in your marriage.

1. 1. Be supportive but don’t be an enabler.
   Don’t make excuses for your loved one. That prevents them from making the tough choices they have to make.
   2. Be honest with family and friends about the recovery.
   We all have to take the stigma of addiction away. It shouldn’t be brushed under the table and it’s not contagious!
   3. Talk openly with the kids about addiction and recovery.
   When Carla’s husband was in rehab she took her kids who were 8 and 5 with her to visit their dad (he had already been there 2 weeks before he was allowed visitors). She spoke with them honestly, but in terms they could understand about their dad and where he was. Kids know when their parents have a problem, so frankly it was not a surprise to them.
   4. Continue the conversation and openness about discussing addiction.
   Now that her kids are 18 and 21, she still talks often with them about addiction. She and her husband warn them about their family history. She doesn’t talk about it as if it were something to be ashamed of. It is what it is.
   5. Make the home a safe place for them when they (your addict) return home. Carla had these words of wisdom for anyone in this situation.
   “I removed all the alcohol from my home, and I didn’t drink in front of my husband for about 2 years after his stay at rehab. I eventually asked him if it was okay for me to drink an occasional glass of wine in his presence. It was another five years before I kept wine and beer in the home, initially for parties.”
   6. Keep telling your spouse how proud you are of the steps they are taking; First, for going to rehab; next for going to the meetings, earning the chips, having the strength to overcome addiction. It’s a big deal which must be acknowledged. Carla mentions this point as one of the most important: “Even after 13 years, my husband comments on his sobriety anniversary.”

True guilt is guilt at the obligation one owes to oneself to be oneself. False guilt is guilt felt at not being what other people feel one ought to be or assume that one is. Moderate feelings of guilt are beneficial because they encourage the individual to do the right thing

11:50 True guilt is guilt at the obligation one owes to oneself to be oneself. 0 Comments

The Scottish psychologist R.D. Laing once said: True guilt is guilt at the obligation one owes to oneself to be oneself. False guilt is guilt felt at not being what other people feel one ought to be or assume that one is. Moderate feelings of guilt are beneficial because they encourage the individual to do the right thing. If nobody felt guilty about anything it would likely lead to a fearful world and it could even threaten the survival of the human species. There is also a more negative form of guilt which is excessive and harmful. This refers to a situation where the individual carries a sense of guilt around with them most of the time. The reasons for why the individual may become a victim of excessive guilt include: They have a poor self image. It can be a sign of mental health difficulties. Some people fall into negative thinking and this tends to include guilt. The individual has been a victim of physical or sexual abuse. Unhealthy relationships can leave people with feelings of guilt. Excessive stress. Alcohol or drug abuse.

A million Britons live with the hell of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

11:03 A million Britons live with the hell of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder 0 Comments

Nadine Stewart was convinced she was going to die. Just ten minutes after setting off for a pop concert with her sister, she felt a tingling sensation in her arms and pain in her chest.

‘I knew I was having a heart attack,’ says Nadine, 41, a customer services adviser from Morecambe, Lancashire. ‘I begged my sister to take me to A&E: I ran in and screamed that I was having a heart attack.

‘They put me on a monitor and my heart was fine — what I had suffered was a panic attack. I have no idea to this day what caused it, but it terrified the life out of me.’ 

Nadine Stewart has to do everything nine times or fears her husband will die

But worse was to come. ‘Afterwards, I developed a fear that if I didn’t do something nine times, something terrible would happen to me, my husband Paul or a member of my family.’ says Nadine. 

‘If I made a drink I had to stir it nine times. If I locked the door I had to check it nine times and if I used a cloth to wipe a surface I’d have to wipe it nine times. I don’t know why it was nine. I realised I was being utterly irrational. But every time I tried to curb it — such as only stirring my drink three times — I’d begin to panic.'

Nadine had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), recognised by the World Health Organisation as one of the top ten most disabling disorders in terms of its effect on quality of life. 

Last month both the British actress Emily Blunt and the MP Charles Walker revealed they suffered from it, with Walker admitting he had to do everything in multiples of four — and felt the need to wash his hands hundreds of times a day. 

They are not alone. Around a million people in the UK are thought to be undergoing treatment for OCD, the majority of them women. Women are twice as likely as men to develop anxiety disorders such as OCD — and high-achieving perfectionists are particularly at risk. 

‘There are two parts to OCD, the obsession and the compulsion,’ explains Joel Rose, of charity OCD Action. ‘The obsession is a thought that pops into your head, about harm coming to someone you love or you causing harm to someone.'

‘Everyone has these thoughts but most of us ignore them and get on with our lives. Someone with OCD will develop a compulsive ritual as a reaction to them. It can be continually washing their hands or something invisible like repeating the same phrase over and over in their heads.'

‘The time spent on these compulsions lengthens with time. A severe OCD sufferer might spend six or seven hours a day washing their hands in the hope nothing terrible happens to their children.’

The cause of the condition is not known, though a stressful event in someone’s life may trigger an underlying problem. 

Nadine has never pinpointed the root of her troubles — though they began in the year she started a new job, moved house and got engaged. ‘I had no reason to feel anxious,’ she said, ‘though I suppose there was a lot of change.

‘I became scared of choking to death so I stopped eating and lost three stone in less than three months. I couldn’t leave the house without Paul, and even then it would take me three hours to pluck up the courage.’

Someone who can empathise with Nadine is Jeni Scott, 31, who’s had OCD for three years. 
It began when her father had a heart attack and her mother was diagnosed with cancer, soon after Jeni left university. 

‘I became obsessed with doing things in order,’ says Jeni, a tutor from Newport, Wales. ‘I started making lists but it had everything on it such as “get up, have shower, make a cup of tea” and if I didn’t stick to it I would punish myself by denying myself a treat.

Actress Emily Blunt, star of Five Year Engagement, has revealed she suffers from OCD

‘I developed a phobia of being in the rain in the wrong clothes and had to take a backpack with spare bra, pants, coat, shoes and umbrella everywhere with me. I’d carry antibacterial gel in my bag and use it every ten minutes. I’ve still no idea why I did it, I just found it helped me.’ 

Aisha Faisal, from Reading, Berkshire, also suffers from OCD — and it’s getting worse. ‘I developed it in my teens when my mother fell ill and I had to clean the house,’ the 26-year-old says. ‘Now I’m obsessed with everything being super-clean. I wash my hands 14 or 15 times a day, I shower for an hour at a time and wash the shower head and bath thoroughly before I step in. 

‘If someone touches me, I cringe. My neighbour touched my scarf to tell me it was pretty and I had to have a shower and put all my clothes in the wash.’ Aisha, who has three children under four, admits her obsession extended to giving birth. 

‘Each time I had Caesarean sections — the thought of having a natural birth makes me feel physically sick.’ She made the surgeons assure her everything had been scrubbed thoroughly before each operation. Understandably, her OCD worries the rest of her family. ‘My husband Ali finds it very hard to see me like this. I won’t let him touch me when he comes in from work: he has to shower and put on clean clothes before he can hug me.'

‘With three young children, being clean is impossible and I bathe them twice a day in the winter and sometimes four times a day in the summer if they’re hot and sticky.’

As a result of her obsession her own hands are red raw and she suffers from eczema. ‘I have been to the GP but it’s very difficult to treat. I know I must do something soon, because my eldest daughter, who is four, is picking up on my behaviour and I feel very guilty about that.'

‘The other day she came in from the garden and said she was dirty so needed to get out of her clothes and I washed her and cleaned her thoroughly. My husband can’t believe our electricity bill because the washing machine is on constantly.’

While Aisha is still in the grip of OCD, Jeni and Nadine have overcome the condition. According to the NHS, the two recognised forms of treatment are Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), which helped Jeni, and anti-depressants. 

But Nadine used another therapy called The Linden Method — a two-day workshop costs £995 — when she reached her lowest point early last year.

‘I was unable to work, leave the house or answer the phone,’ she says. ‘My vision became blurry, my hands would spasm and I’d get pains like rheumatism. I began to think: “What’s the point in living?” yet I was too scared to kill myself.’

The Linden Method — which has also helped OCD sufferers Jemma and Jodie Kidd — works by convincing the sufferer’s sub-conscious that they are safe. 

‘I’m a different person,’ says Nadine. ‘I can leave the house, I’m applying for jobs, taking up hobbies and it’s transformed my relationship with Paul. 

‘He says it’s like having a wife in a wheelchair who can walk again. Except I feel I can not only walk, I can fly.’

Drinking alcohol, even in moderation, 'a dementia risk'

09:20 'a dementia risk' , Drinking alcohol , even in moderation 0 Comments

Drinking even "moderate" amounts of alcohol increases dementia risk, US research suggests. The findings, presented at an international conference, challenge the notion that some alcohol could be good for ageing brains. People who stick to recommended alcohol limits are still at risk, as well as bingers and heavy drinkers, according to the work. The study tracked the health over 20 years of 1,300 women in their mid-60s. The risk, ranging from mild cognitive impairment to full blown dementia, was higher among those who reported drinking more alcohol. Continue reading the main story “ Start Quote Many people will drink to relax and it's important to keep an eye on the amount of alcohol we consume” Dr Marie Janson Alzheimer's Research UK Women who switched from abstinence to drinking over the course of the study also increased their risk. Those who drank alcohol "in moderation", meaning seven to 14 alcoholic drinks a week, were also more likely to develop problems with memory and brain functioning that can be a warning sign of future dementia. The lower end of this range falls within the UK's recommended limit for women, but since alcohol measures in the US are larger than in the UK, 14 drinks a week would exceed this UK weekly cut off. And since the study only looked at women, it is not possible to say if the same link will apply in elderly men. Researcher Tina Hoang, of the Veterans Health Research Institute in San Francisco, said: "In this group of older women, moderate alcohol consumption was not protective. Continue reading the main story UK Alcohol limits Men - 3-4 units a day Women - 2-3 units a day One unit of alcohol is 8g or about half a pint of lager, a small glass (125ml) of wine or a 25ml of spirits "Clinicians should carefully assess their older patients for both how much they drink and any changes in patterns of alcohol use." She told the Alzheimer's Association International Conference that it might be that brains become more vulnerable to the effects of alcohol as we age. Some UK experts have recommended alcohol limits should be even tighter for older people for this reason. Alternatively, the researchers say the link could be caused by factors that drive people to drink - stress or bereavement, for example. Continue reading the main story US alcohol limits The US Government definition of "a drink" is 14g of alcohol Men - no more than 2 drinks a day Women - no more than one drink a day At the same meeting, another group of US researchers presented more work showing the potential harms of binge drinking. Among the 5,075 men and women they studied, those who reported heavy bouts of drinking - at least one episode per month - were more likely to experience dementia-like problems. Fortnightly binges doubled the risk. Drinking alcohol can cause your blood pressure and blood cholesterol to rise which, in turn, can damage the blood vessels supplying the brain, causing problems like vascular dementia. Men are advised to drink no more than three to four units of alcohol a day, and women no more than two to three units a day. A unit of alcohol is equal to about half a pint of normal strength lager, a small glass of wine or a pub measure (25ml) of spirits. Dr Marie Janson, of Alzheimer's Research UK ,said: "In a country with major concerns over binge drinking, these new findings should be taken seriously by people of all ages. "There is mounting evidence linking alcohol consumption to cognitive decline, but this research delves deeper by examining the effects of different drinking patterns in more detail. "These researchers found that in older people, even moderate drinking may have a harmful effect, in contrast to some previous research suggesting that moderate drinking may bring benefits. "Such differing findings underline the need for more in-depth studies to tease out how different drinking patterns affect cognition. "Many people will drink to relax and it's important to keep an eye on the amount of alcohol we consume." She said that the best advice was to keep alcohol consumption light throughout life to reap some benefits and protect against the risks of over-indulging.