.png)
One cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.
“One cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.”- Andre Gide
Life is stressful, and when you get married you may not know your partner’s history of family addictions. One of the problems that strike many marriages is when a partner becomes addicted. It doesn’t really matter what the addiction is, because what it does to the addicted person is pretty much the same destructive pattern. It takes over the person’s thinking, and the addiction itself begins calling the shots. Prior to an addiction your spouse tries to please you, and take care of their family. After an addiction gets a hold of your spouse they change and begin trying to appease the need for their drug or vice of choice. They will lie, cheat and steal to get their fix, and you have to know that up front if you are going to love them through their addiction. You also have to know up front that every instinct inside you is going to make you want to keep it a secret. Don’t. Keeping it a secret will make it grow and take over anything you or your partner ever loved.
I work with and have a dear friend named Carla. She has been married forever and I love our chats. I respect both her and her husband for the choices and the way they have lived their marriage. I talked to Carla one day about this article telling her I needed insights on someone who has gone through it and survived. She smiled and said, “I have many.” Immediately she sent me her words and tips of wisdom. I am going to send them to you, because addictions happen, and when you are in the middle of one you often times cannot think and become a part of the addiction. Carla’s husband was dealing with an alcohol addiction, but I think her words of wisdom will help no matter what sort of addiction you are dealing with in your marriage.
- 1. Be supportive but don’t be an enabler.
Don’t make excuses for your loved one. That prevents them from making the tough choices they have to make.
2. Be honest with family and friends about the recovery.
We all have to take the stigma of addiction away. It shouldn’t be brushed under the table and it’s not contagious!
3. Talk openly with the kids about addiction and recovery.
When Carla’s husband was in rehab she took her kids who were 8 and 5 with her to visit their dad (he had already been there 2 weeks before he was allowed visitors). She spoke with them honestly, but in terms they could understand about their dad and where he was. Kids know when their parents have a problem, so frankly it was not a surprise to them.
4. Continue the conversation and openness about discussing addiction.
Now that her kids are 18 and 21, she still talks often with them about addiction. She and her husband warn them about their family history. She doesn’t talk about it as if it were something to be ashamed of. It is what it is.
5. Make the home a safe place for them when they (your addict) return home. Carla had these words of wisdom for anyone in this situation.
“I removed all the alcohol from my home, and I didn’t drink in front of my husband for about 2 years after his stay at rehab. I eventually asked him if it was okay for me to drink an occasional glass of wine in his presence. It was another five years before I kept wine and beer in the home, initially for parties.”
6. Keep telling your spouse how proud you are of the steps they are taking; First, for going to rehab; next for going to the meetings, earning the chips, having the strength to overcome addiction. It’s a big deal which must be acknowledged. Carla mentions this point as one of the most important: “Even after 13 years, my husband comments on his sobriety anniversary.”
0 comments: